Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Away to HKG from 24th June 2008 til 29th June 2008..
I mentioned i have a wish unattained. Today, I attained it.
I pick up the phone with trembling hand and dialled the numbers which i can memorise by heart. You answer the call. I ask if you know who i am, you said no and so i identified myself. You sounded like usual. Asking me how's things. We joke abit. Slowly, bit by bit, I said my words as i planned. But, the conversation didnt went on as i anticipated it to be. Words used was hurtful, like arrows, they shot straight and bull eyes' onto me. Words said was unbelievable, til for a moment i was staring and wondering :"Are those words from you?" This is not the you i know. This is not the way i expect you to answer.
"We are still friends, but jus not on talking terms, not as close as we were. Or perhaps we werent even close from the start."
"I know you are working hard but nothing works. Jus let time be it."
"Maybe you jus need to know me better."
"I dun feel like talking to you anymore. I'm hanging up. Bye."
When i hanged up, i thought i would cry immediately. But i didnt. The pain set in later. Its when i start to process the words and when i start to piece them together with your face saying it, my heart ache and then tears came down. Uncontrollably for mins.
The near 10mins conversation was the most hurtful conversation i had in my life, til now. No joking note, no laughing tone. Nothing. I called you because i know you are avoiding me for the reason we both knew. And like i keep mentioning, i'm willing to let go if it really affects our friendship. In fact, i already let go long ago. But, no matter what, you are not keen in working this friendship for this moment. Its jus all along a one-sided thing, its all along my wishful thinking. Thinking of ways and methods to make things better. You gave me e answer i wanted, but in a hurtful manner. Til this moment, everything still seems like a shock to me. Maybe you are trying to make me understand, in a harsh manner. Thank you anyway. Actually, i would say, this is really the answer i wanted, the answer i have been pursuing for months. Not the one i got months back. I jus hope things will get better. Everyone has different way of handling things. This is your way maybe. Frank and avoidance. Harsh but straight to the point. This HKG trip is definitely a getaway for me. Getaway from my dear friend's departure, getaway from this.
I didnt regret calling you in fact. Ever since i decided to call you, i should have expect it. I feel much better in fact after clearing things with you. I got an answer finally. An answer i wanted and been pursuing. An answer i all along knew. I feel like i can breathe better. I admit i cry but thats cuz i couldnt accept the harshness at the initial stage. But come to think of it, ur harshness makes us clear things, upfront. Reality is meant to be harsh, i fully understand. Take care nevertheless. I want you to be happy too. Just wanna say, i never regret knowing you no matter what. Fun memories and times i had with you. We'll still be friends, in fact we are still.
I mentioned i have a wish unattained. Today, I attained it.
I pick up the phone with trembling hand and dialled the numbers which i can memorise by heart. You answer the call. I ask if you know who i am, you said no and so i identified myself. You sounded like usual. Asking me how's things. We joke abit. Slowly, bit by bit, I said my words as i planned. But, the conversation didnt went on as i anticipated it to be. Words used was hurtful, like arrows, they shot straight and bull eyes' onto me. Words said was unbelievable, til for a moment i was staring and wondering :"Are those words from you?" This is not the you i know. This is not the way i expect you to answer.
"We are still friends, but jus not on talking terms, not as close as we were. Or perhaps we werent even close from the start."
"I know you are working hard but nothing works. Jus let time be it."
"Maybe you jus need to know me better."
"I dun feel like talking to you anymore. I'm hanging up. Bye."
When i hanged up, i thought i would cry immediately. But i didnt. The pain set in later. Its when i start to process the words and when i start to piece them together with your face saying it, my heart ache and then tears came down. Uncontrollably for mins.
The near 10mins conversation was the most hurtful conversation i had in my life, til now. No joking note, no laughing tone. Nothing. I called you because i know you are avoiding me for the reason we both knew. And like i keep mentioning, i'm willing to let go if it really affects our friendship. In fact, i already let go long ago. But, no matter what, you are not keen in working this friendship for this moment. Its jus all along a one-sided thing, its all along my wishful thinking. Thinking of ways and methods to make things better. You gave me e answer i wanted, but in a hurtful manner. Til this moment, everything still seems like a shock to me. Maybe you are trying to make me understand, in a harsh manner. Thank you anyway. Actually, i would say, this is really the answer i wanted, the answer i have been pursuing for months. Not the one i got months back. I jus hope things will get better. Everyone has different way of handling things. This is your way maybe. Frank and avoidance. Harsh but straight to the point. This HKG trip is definitely a getaway for me. Getaway from my dear friend's departure, getaway from this.
I didnt regret calling you in fact. Ever since i decided to call you, i should have expect it. I feel much better in fact after clearing things with you. I got an answer finally. An answer i wanted and been pursuing. An answer i all along knew. I feel like i can breathe better. I admit i cry but thats cuz i couldnt accept the harshness at the initial stage. But come to think of it, ur harshness makes us clear things, upfront. Reality is meant to be harsh, i fully understand. Take care nevertheless. I want you to be happy too. Just wanna say, i never regret knowing you no matter what. Fun memories and times i had with you. We'll still be friends, in fact we are still.
what we could have been, 12:24 AM.
Monday, June 23, 2008
I'm beginning to feel excited for tml!! My dream last night was all about HKG! =) Cant wait already!!
Flying off to HKG in another 21hours.. ZXB ZXB ZXB!
I love bubble tea. I love Botak jones. I love black sesame ice cream. I love sitting by the park and chilling out. I love hanging out with people i love.
Flying off to HKG in another 21hours.. ZXB ZXB ZXB!
I love bubble tea. I love Botak jones. I love black sesame ice cream. I love sitting by the park and chilling out. I love hanging out with people i love.
what we could have been, 11:34 AM.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Have been busy meeting up with dear ZXB to discuss about our HKG trip. Its nearing in like 2 days yet i'm not yet excited. Maybe soon.
We've finalised our itinerary and will embark on our fun trip on tues. Get me some excitement please. LOL.
Gym-ing was great today. Had a great workout. Tired. Alright, meeting 2 gangs tml. UPDATES SOON! HKG HKG!
I'm happy to see my eye candy today. TOTALLY. Cute cute cute. I'm reminded of you today. I have a wish i wish to complete asap. I'm waiting for the right chance. I really dunno how i am feeling right now towards you. Not giving up cos i hafen feel like it. Not moving on cos i cant and i dun dare and i dunno what to do. Take my hand, lead me a way. I follow.
We've finalised our itinerary and will embark on our fun trip on tues. Get me some excitement please. LOL.
Gym-ing was great today. Had a great workout. Tired. Alright, meeting 2 gangs tml. UPDATES SOON! HKG HKG!
I'm happy to see my eye candy today. TOTALLY. Cute cute cute. I'm reminded of you today. I have a wish i wish to complete asap. I'm waiting for the right chance. I really dunno how i am feeling right now towards you. Not giving up cos i hafen feel like it. Not moving on cos i cant and i dun dare and i dunno what to do. Take my hand, lead me a way. I follow.
what we could have been, 12:08 AM.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Time flies. Was it true that people says, when someone pass away, time flies faster? Everything still seems so fresh and shaken whenever i think back of the call i received, the sms i saw one week back. Still as before, unbelieveable. Still as before, heartbreaking.
Clifton left us for more than a week already but yet all wounds are not fully recovered. I admit i will tear whenever i think back.
Whenever i hear ppl talking about the army guy that passed away in brunei, tears welled up along my eyes and i will walk away. Whenever i walk past the meeting point at airport during work, my heart ache and i will walk across with a faster pace.
Life moves on. Everything seems to resume back to normal after sunday. I smile at work, i had fun. But of course, deep down, i know my heart still aches over the loss of a close guy, a great friend. But like everyone says, we'll all move on strong together. We will pick ourselves up and move on. I am feeling much better already. Really.
One day, we'll look back and talk about him like always, but no longer with tears or sigh, but with smile. You are never gone, i know. You are always here, as fun and nonsensical, in our hearts. Thank you for teaching me alot of things. You make me understand certain things and decide on certain matters. Thank you, Clifton.
Dear clifton, i promise to pray for you when i go hong kong. I will bring you to the Big Buddha no matter how many steps i have to climb. Soar in wings in the better place where you were brought to, we'll all meet you there. And we'll hold our promised chalet over that. This time, you take over my role, you organise. I look forward to the day we all meet and fulfill our 08.08.08 promise again with you up there.
Live life to its fullest. Cherish all around you. This is something i will always live on with.
Clifton left us for more than a week already but yet all wounds are not fully recovered. I admit i will tear whenever i think back.
Whenever i hear ppl talking about the army guy that passed away in brunei, tears welled up along my eyes and i will walk away. Whenever i walk past the meeting point at airport during work, my heart ache and i will walk across with a faster pace.
Life moves on. Everything seems to resume back to normal after sunday. I smile at work, i had fun. But of course, deep down, i know my heart still aches over the loss of a close guy, a great friend. But like everyone says, we'll all move on strong together. We will pick ourselves up and move on. I am feeling much better already. Really.
One day, we'll look back and talk about him like always, but no longer with tears or sigh, but with smile. You are never gone, i know. You are always here, as fun and nonsensical, in our hearts. Thank you for teaching me alot of things. You make me understand certain things and decide on certain matters. Thank you, Clifton.
Dear clifton, i promise to pray for you when i go hong kong. I will bring you to the Big Buddha no matter how many steps i have to climb. Soar in wings in the better place where you were brought to, we'll all meet you there. And we'll hold our promised chalet over that. This time, you take over my role, you organise. I look forward to the day we all meet and fulfill our 08.08.08 promise again with you up there.
Live life to its fullest. Cherish all around you. This is something i will always live on with.
what we could have been, 9:31 PM.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Its hard to say that i dun miss you cuz i do badly.
These four days had really been a very tedious process for everyone. From thurs til today, everything still seems like a dream. But of course, we all know its not. All tears held back flowed down badly today. And today, me too, cried it hard loud. I could no longer hold them back cuz you, my dearest friend left for eternity. I know God had brought you to another better place, a place we will all meet eventually.
For clifton, everyone will move on strong. Cuz i know you want us to be happy and not grieve over you. At least, i'm proud of you clifton. You are indeed a very good and popular guy that everyone remembers. You did everyone proud. You did 08 proud. You did your family proud. You did your gf proud. You left with glory.
For charlene,
Although we have no encounter with you before, but pls be strong. Like you know, clifton wants you to be strong and happy. Its definitely a tedious and sad process but i know you can do it. Stay strong and smile. Clifton will want you to smile sweetly cuz you are his queen. You are warmly welcomed to join us on behalf of him. Anytime, anywhere. Jiayou! 08's behind you!
For clifton,
Its tough to accept the fact that you, the most important guy in 08, left. As the leader of 08, its hard for me to accept someone from 08 left. We bonded so strong over the years and your departure was a big blow to me. I bet with the guys i wont cry but i lost, badly. Its a fact that we cant change that you will no longer be physically present for future 08 gatherings. We will all miss you. But like i promise you at your wake, i will bring along your spirit wherever we go, whenever we meet. And, together, we fulfill our promise made on 1st September 2006, 08.08.08, we'll meet to celebrate. For you, for the bond we all created. An unbreakable one. And also for you, i will organise another 08 chalet. Although i got no more love shaped luncheon meat, birds chatting, go-go power rangers from you, i will always remember those times you brought joy to the class. All the fun and laughter. And lastly, i gave you the present you always wanted, something that belongs to you from 08. A book just for you, just for our 2LT Lam Jiahao, a book no one have but only you. We've read everything and showed everything to you. I hope you are happy. You will never be forgotten as you are always in our hearts. I will never forget you. I will remember your words, voice, smile, etc etc.
These four days had really been a very tedious process for everyone. From thurs til today, everything still seems like a dream. But of course, we all know its not. All tears held back flowed down badly today. And today, me too, cried it hard loud. I could no longer hold them back cuz you, my dearest friend left for eternity. I know God had brought you to another better place, a place we will all meet eventually.
For clifton, everyone will move on strong. Cuz i know you want us to be happy and not grieve over you. At least, i'm proud of you clifton. You are indeed a very good and popular guy that everyone remembers. You did everyone proud. You did 08 proud. You did your family proud. You did your gf proud. You left with glory.
For charlene,
Although we have no encounter with you before, but pls be strong. Like you know, clifton wants you to be strong and happy. Its definitely a tedious and sad process but i know you can do it. Stay strong and smile. Clifton will want you to smile sweetly cuz you are his queen. You are warmly welcomed to join us on behalf of him. Anytime, anywhere. Jiayou! 08's behind you!
For clifton,
Its tough to accept the fact that you, the most important guy in 08, left. As the leader of 08, its hard for me to accept someone from 08 left. We bonded so strong over the years and your departure was a big blow to me. I bet with the guys i wont cry but i lost, badly. Its a fact that we cant change that you will no longer be physically present for future 08 gatherings. We will all miss you. But like i promise you at your wake, i will bring along your spirit wherever we go, whenever we meet. And, together, we fulfill our promise made on 1st September 2006, 08.08.08, we'll meet to celebrate. For you, for the bond we all created. An unbreakable one. And also for you, i will organise another 08 chalet. Although i got no more love shaped luncheon meat, birds chatting, go-go power rangers from you, i will always remember those times you brought joy to the class. All the fun and laughter. And lastly, i gave you the present you always wanted, something that belongs to you from 08. A book just for you, just for our 2LT Lam Jiahao, a book no one have but only you. We've read everything and showed everything to you. I hope you are happy. You will never be forgotten as you are always in our hearts. I will never forget you. I will remember your words, voice, smile, etc etc.
And last but not least, I want something from you. Pls promise me you will come find me in my dreams whenever you can. I got lots of things to share with you. This is the only thing I ask from you.
We love you Clifton. You are once a 08, forever a 08. We'll meet you at the end. 家豪，好好上路。
And to all others, treasure everyone around you. Clifton taught me that nothing’s for granted. It jus take 5s to sms your fren to say I love you. You never know this 5s means lots to your friend. Treasure and cherish every moment with everyone so you wont regret. At least, I never regret my times with Clifton. I had fun, lots. I’m proud I’m his friend. I am, really.
We all need time for this wound to heal and we hang in strong together, hand in hand. Jiayou everyone. Smile for Clifton.
08.08.08, so near yet so far. Its a promise I will fulfill to you. And I salute you, 2LT Lam. I miss you Lam Jiahao. Go, go, power ranger..
what we could have been, 11:58 PM.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thurs morning, i hate it. I received the worst news i ever wanted. One of my closest poly guy friend left me.
Goodbye Lam Jiahao, my dearest okii atama..
You promise me to be back for 08 gathering. But you break your promise to me. I dun want you to fulfil me to be present with 08 under such circumstances.
Can you be back to call me darling like you always do? I promise i wont be disgusted. Can you be back to fight with me? I promise i wont retaliate. Can you be back to fight with the class guys over me? I promise i will choose you. I know you always wanted me to say this and this time i will say it out loud. I love you Lam Jiahao. I miss you Lam Jiahao. I really do.
I hate to see you leave but i know i have to be strong. Rest in peace my darling. You are once an 08, forever an 08.
Imissmyloveshapedluncheonmeat.Imissthegogopowerranger.Imissyourlameness.
Imissyourgayismwiththeguys.imissyoulamjiahao.Imissmyokiiatamasan.
Goodbye Lam Jiahao, my dearest okii atama..
I cannot stop crying ever since thurs morning. I cant believe and accept that i was still laming with you before you went off. I tried to tell myself the guy they are talking about in e news and the papers are not you. Not my dearest lam jiahao.
You didnt like me to call you by ur chinese name but i always love to. You didnt like me to call you okii atama but i always love to. You love to tease me, crap nonsense with me, irritate me and make me laugh non stop with your lame jokes. But why cant you tell me this time that everything's a joke and that you are jus pulling my leg. Why why?
You promise me to be back for 08 gathering. But you break your promise to me. I dun want you to fulfil me to be present with 08 under such circumstances.
Can you be back to call me darling like you always do? I promise i wont be disgusted. Can you be back to fight with me? I promise i wont retaliate. Can you be back to fight with the class guys over me? I promise i will choose you. I know you always wanted me to say this and this time i will say it out loud. I love you Lam Jiahao. I miss you Lam Jiahao. I really do.
I hate to see you leave but i know i have to be strong. Rest in peace my darling. You are once an 08, forever an 08.
Imissmyloveshapedluncheonmeat.Imissthegogopowerranger.Imissyourlameness.
Imissyourgayismwiththeguys.imissyoulamjiahao.Imissmyokiiatamasan.
what we could have been, 6:06 PM.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
FUN-FILLED WEEK I MUST SAY..
5th June 2008 (Thursday)
OFF DAY! Went for dance class. I simply love dancing. If i can choose something that i can be gifted with, that will be the gift of dancing. =)
Went down to Chinatown to pick up our air tickets and hotel vouchers finally. HKG HKG! Its nearing!!
Decided to drop by the Hong Kong Tourism Board to pick up some materials for our hkg trip. The office was in Suntec Tower 2. I looked at the bus guide and realised that there is no DIRECT bus from chinatown to suntec and so i decided to walk over as i can see the building in the far end. BUT I WAS WRONGGGG!! I walked til my legs almost break. VERY GOOD EXERCISE though. FAINTS.
Finally reached and got lots of material indeed. That makes up for my walk. =) Went back to Orchard to meet Peggy and Helen for shopping!
Went to Crumpler as Helen wanted to get for her brother one before she returns to Taiwan. ENDED UP, the 2 girls got themselves one each. And we bought the last 2 purple one in Wheelock and Paragon. We had 2 girls wanting the same one as us but in each store, they came in few mins slower than us and we bought the only two in town. SORRY!
Had dinner at Shokudo in Cine. Their pasta is really YUMMY!! SO is their Black Sesame Ice Cream. DROOLssss...
Then.. HOME SWEET HOME..
6th June 2008 (Saturday)
Nothing much but work. I was doing the departure for SQ322, A380. Load was full. Went into the aircraft for a full walk before the crew was in. I'm abit disappointed by the suites. Not as impressive. So is the aircraft. SO-SO. =(
7th June 2008 (Sunday)
HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY TO AMANDA HENG!!!!
Went for manda's bdae party at her house. HAD LOTS OF FUN. Cheers for the birthday girl, balloon-blowing, decorating and OF COURSE, MIDNIGHT K. Everything is just so fun and i enjoyed ALOT. =)
We are all from TP!!
Kai loves me most. LOL! 
9th June 2008 (Monday)
Met jessica and pei xuan for lunch after gyming. I went for JAZZ. FUN FUN FUN.
Had lunch at Shokudo and i bought myself my EVERLAST pumps that i had been eye-ing. =)
Lunch meet up before work indeed brightens my day. =)
OFF DAY TML! Gonna meet my BJS gang peeps along with our BJS management ppl. WHEEEE!
Sorry girls, i had to cancel our crab date! NEXT WEEK OK? =)
Random pic i love :
I woke up one morning and decided that maybe its time to give up. Maybe because feelings are getting less strong or maybe cos you have disappointed far too much. Your coldness towards me makes my heart cold at times. You make me dunno what to do, the next step to take. You moved from wallpaper to screensaver. Screensaver, just a few secs moment for me to see. I'm letting go bit by bit, slowly.. =) A good thing for me maybe. But i am still considering, to keep silent forever or to say it out for once. Let time decide. Its hard to decide.
5th June 2008 (Thursday)
OFF DAY! Went for dance class. I simply love dancing. If i can choose something that i can be gifted with, that will be the gift of dancing. =)
Went down to Chinatown to pick up our air tickets and hotel vouchers finally. HKG HKG! Its nearing!!
Decided to drop by the Hong Kong Tourism Board to pick up some materials for our hkg trip. The office was in Suntec Tower 2. I looked at the bus guide and realised that there is no DIRECT bus from chinatown to suntec and so i decided to walk over as i can see the building in the far end. BUT I WAS WRONGGGG!! I walked til my legs almost break. VERY GOOD EXERCISE though. FAINTS.
Finally reached and got lots of material indeed. That makes up for my walk. =) Went back to Orchard to meet Peggy and Helen for shopping!
Went to Crumpler as Helen wanted to get for her brother one before she returns to Taiwan. ENDED UP, the 2 girls got themselves one each. And we bought the last 2 purple one in Wheelock and Paragon. We had 2 girls wanting the same one as us but in each store, they came in few mins slower than us and we bought the only two in town. SORRY!
Had dinner at Shokudo in Cine. Their pasta is really YUMMY!! SO is their Black Sesame Ice Cream. DROOLssss...
Then.. HOME SWEET HOME..
6th June 2008 (Saturday)
Nothing much but work. I was doing the departure for SQ322, A380. Load was full. Went into the aircraft for a full walk before the crew was in. I'm abit disappointed by the suites. Not as impressive. So is the aircraft. SO-SO. =(
7th June 2008 (Sunday)
HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY TO AMANDA HENG!!!!
Went for manda's bdae party at her house. HAD LOTS OF FUN. Cheers for the birthday girl, balloon-blowing, decorating and OF COURSE, MIDNIGHT K. Everything is just so fun and i enjoyed ALOT. =)
We are all from TP!!
Kai loves me most. LOL! 
And this is our present to manda.. Our BIG production.. Hope you like it.. Once an 08, forever an 08..
MORE PICS FROM HER BDAE TO BE UP SOON!!!
9th June 2008 (Monday)
Met jessica and pei xuan for lunch after gyming. I went for JAZZ. FUN FUN FUN.
Had lunch at Shokudo and i bought myself my EVERLAST pumps that i had been eye-ing. =)
Lunch meet up before work indeed brightens my day. =)
OFF DAY TML! Gonna meet my BJS gang peeps along with our BJS management ppl. WHEEEE!
Sorry girls, i had to cancel our crab date! NEXT WEEK OK? =)
Random pic i love :
I woke up one morning and decided that maybe its time to give up. Maybe because feelings are getting less strong or maybe cos you have disappointed far too much. Your coldness towards me makes my heart cold at times. You make me dunno what to do, the next step to take. You moved from wallpaper to screensaver. Screensaver, just a few secs moment for me to see. I'm letting go bit by bit, slowly.. =) A good thing for me maybe. But i am still considering, to keep silent forever or to say it out for once. Let time decide. Its hard to decide.
what we could have been, 3:13 AM.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Dedicated to 李淑女...
Thanks for getting me Sun biscuits! =) I cant wait for them!
Kai, I think ur mum ate up mine alr. Or maybe you? HAHA!
Enjoying my OJT til now. Kinda stressed but its fun learning new things! GANBATTE!
I cant wait! ITS NEARING!!! 24 JUNE!!! HKg HKG! My motivation..
I see 2 ppl with e watch as you today. GOD. How i wish they were you. Awww, i miss you! =(
Thanks for getting me Sun biscuits! =) I cant wait for them!
Kai, I think ur mum ate up mine alr. Or maybe you? HAHA!
Enjoying my OJT til now. Kinda stressed but its fun learning new things! GANBATTE!
I cant wait! ITS NEARING!!! 24 JUNE!!! HKg HKG! My motivation..
I see 2 ppl with e watch as you today. GOD. How i wish they were you. Awww, i miss you! =(
what we could have been, 5:43 PM.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY LEE HUIYI JOVI!!!! aka Lee 淑女 GND. LOL.
May all your wishes come true esp the one to find a bf! HAHA! Jiayou! I'll look out for you. I know your cup of tea. =) ANDDD, of course, stay pretty like always! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Celebration at Thai Express for Jovi's 21st birthday. Her mood was SUPER GOOD. Cat 1 never activate no matter how you provoke her. HAHA!
Pictures do all talking!
Sorry I didnt join you guys for karaoke. I had to work. Next time alright peeps? =)
I love my night spent. Worthwhile. COMING UP- AMANDA's!!!
May all your wishes come true esp the one to find a bf! HAHA! Jiayou! I'll look out for you. I know your cup of tea. =) ANDDD, of course, stay pretty like always! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Celebration at Thai Express for Jovi's 21st birthday. Her mood was SUPER GOOD. Cat 1 never activate no matter how you provoke her. HAHA!
Pictures do all talking!
Sorry I didnt join you guys for karaoke. I had to work. Next time alright peeps? =)
I love my night spent. Worthwhile. COMING UP- AMANDA's!!!
what we could have been, 7:39 PM.
