Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Away to HKG from 24th June 2008 til 29th June 2008..
I mentioned i have a wish unattained. Today, I attained it.
I pick up the phone with trembling hand and dialled the numbers which i can memorise by heart. You answer the call. I ask if you know who i am, you said no and so i identified myself. You sounded like usual. Asking me how's things. We joke abit. Slowly, bit by bit, I said my words as i planned. But, the conversation didnt went on as i anticipated it to be. Words used was hurtful, like arrows, they shot straight and bull eyes' onto me. Words said was unbelievable, til for a moment i was staring and wondering :"Are those words from you?" This is not the you i know. This is not the way i expect you to answer.
"We are still friends, but jus not on talking terms, not as close as we were. Or perhaps we werent even close from the start."
"I know you are working hard but nothing works. Jus let time be it."
"Maybe you jus need to know me better."
"I dun feel like talking to you anymore. I'm hanging up. Bye."
When i hanged up, i thought i would cry immediately. But i didnt. The pain set in later. Its when i start to process the words and when i start to piece them together with your face saying it, my heart ache and then tears came down. Uncontrollably for mins.
The near 10mins conversation was the most hurtful conversation i had in my life, til now. No joking note, no laughing tone. Nothing. I called you because i know you are avoiding me for the reason we both knew. And like i keep mentioning, i'm willing to let go if it really affects our friendship. In fact, i already let go long ago. But, no matter what, you are not keen in working this friendship for this moment. Its jus all along a one-sided thing, its all along my wishful thinking. Thinking of ways and methods to make things better. You gave me e answer i wanted, but in a hurtful manner. Til this moment, everything still seems like a shock to me. Maybe you are trying to make me understand, in a harsh manner. Thank you anyway. Actually, i would say, this is really the answer i wanted, the answer i have been pursuing for months. Not the one i got months back. I jus hope things will get better. Everyone has different way of handling things. This is your way maybe. Frank and avoidance. Harsh but straight to the point. This HKG trip is definitely a getaway for me. Getaway from my dear friend's departure, getaway from this.
I didnt regret calling you in fact. Ever since i decided to call you, i should have expect it. I feel much better in fact after clearing things with you. I got an answer finally. An answer i wanted and been pursuing. An answer i all along knew. I feel like i can breathe better. I admit i cry but thats cuz i couldnt accept the harshness at the initial stage. But come to think of it, ur harshness makes us clear things, upfront. Reality is meant to be harsh, i fully understand. Take care nevertheless. I want you to be happy too. Just wanna say, i never regret knowing you no matter what. Fun memories and times i had with you. We'll still be friends, in fact we are still.
I mentioned i have a wish unattained. Today, I attained it.
I pick up the phone with trembling hand and dialled the numbers which i can memorise by heart. You answer the call. I ask if you know who i am, you said no and so i identified myself. You sounded like usual. Asking me how's things. We joke abit. Slowly, bit by bit, I said my words as i planned. But, the conversation didnt went on as i anticipated it to be. Words used was hurtful, like arrows, they shot straight and bull eyes' onto me. Words said was unbelievable, til for a moment i was staring and wondering :"Are those words from you?" This is not the you i know. This is not the way i expect you to answer.
"We are still friends, but jus not on talking terms, not as close as we were. Or perhaps we werent even close from the start."
"I know you are working hard but nothing works. Jus let time be it."
"Maybe you jus need to know me better."
"I dun feel like talking to you anymore. I'm hanging up. Bye."
When i hanged up, i thought i would cry immediately. But i didnt. The pain set in later. Its when i start to process the words and when i start to piece them together with your face saying it, my heart ache and then tears came down. Uncontrollably for mins.
The near 10mins conversation was the most hurtful conversation i had in my life, til now. No joking note, no laughing tone. Nothing. I called you because i know you are avoiding me for the reason we both knew. And like i keep mentioning, i'm willing to let go if it really affects our friendship. In fact, i already let go long ago. But, no matter what, you are not keen in working this friendship for this moment. Its jus all along a one-sided thing, its all along my wishful thinking. Thinking of ways and methods to make things better. You gave me e answer i wanted, but in a hurtful manner. Til this moment, everything still seems like a shock to me. Maybe you are trying to make me understand, in a harsh manner. Thank you anyway. Actually, i would say, this is really the answer i wanted, the answer i have been pursuing for months. Not the one i got months back. I jus hope things will get better. Everyone has different way of handling things. This is your way maybe. Frank and avoidance. Harsh but straight to the point. This HKG trip is definitely a getaway for me. Getaway from my dear friend's departure, getaway from this.
I didnt regret calling you in fact. Ever since i decided to call you, i should have expect it. I feel much better in fact after clearing things with you. I got an answer finally. An answer i wanted and been pursuing. An answer i all along knew. I feel like i can breathe better. I admit i cry but thats cuz i couldnt accept the harshness at the initial stage. But come to think of it, ur harshness makes us clear things, upfront. Reality is meant to be harsh, i fully understand. Take care nevertheless. I want you to be happy too. Just wanna say, i never regret knowing you no matter what. Fun memories and times i had with you. We'll still be friends, in fact we are still.
what we could have been, 12:24 AM.
